Reflection Brings Clarity

I tend to feel like a martyr a lot, over simple dumb things. I’m very selfish with my time and constantly battle that. Even with doing normal chores or favors for my spouse I tend to feel put out and upset over it, and not turn toward him and serving him. In recognizing this as a barrier to me turning to my husband I have made an effort to not only be more aware when I feel this way but to find ways to meet both our needs.

I use to simmer and get upset but I have learned that even though I mind doing that activity if I am appreciated for it I am fine. Every time I do something I don’t want recognition but the times that I do and my husband hasn’t realized what has been done I have let him know. It is not just communication but being honest and open with my feelings that makes the difference. My husband isn’t a mind reader and it is rude to try to withhold to get more attention or forcing him to guess what is wrong.

When I am able to own my expectation and say something like “Honey, look I have vacuumed the rooms, do you want to go with me to see what a difference it has made” it takes away that feeling of silent martyrdom and allows me to share with my husband and for him to take part in the recognition of it. This may seem simple or even silly but for me it is these things that create a huge wedge and lead to stonewalling.

Another thing that both my husband and I are very aware of is making sure that we give ample opportunity to the other to choose the movie, restaurant, activity, etc they want to do. In my experience a lot of these little considerations fall by the waste side and lead to the bigger ones. We have different tastes and it makes such a difference if I am willing and cheerful about doing something he loves he reciprocates the behavior. The positive outlook has to be there to have and enjoyable time for both of us, and something I have come to realize is no matter the activity, chore, whatever my husband and I will have fun and enjoy being with one another if we have the positive outlook from the start.