Reflection Brings Clarity

I tend to feel like a martyr a lot, over simple dumb things. I’m very selfish with my time and constantly battle that. Even with doing normal chores or favors for my spouse I tend to feel put out and upset over it, and not turn toward him and serving him. In recognizing this as a barrier to me turning to my husband I have made an effort to not only be more aware when I feel this way but to find ways to meet both our needs.

I use to simmer and get upset but I have learned that even though I mind doing that activity if I am appreciated for it I am fine. Every time I do something I don’t want recognition but the times that I do and my husband hasn’t realized what has been done I have let him know. It is not just communication but being honest and open with my feelings that makes the difference. My husband isn’t a mind reader and it is rude to try to withhold to get more attention or forcing him to guess what is wrong.

When I am able to own my expectation and say something like “Honey, look I have vacuumed the rooms, do you want to go with me to see what a difference it has made” it takes away that feeling of silent martyrdom and allows me to share with my husband and for him to take part in the recognition of it. This may seem simple or even silly but for me it is these things that create a huge wedge and lead to stonewalling.

Another thing that both my husband and I are very aware of is making sure that we give ample opportunity to the other to choose the movie, restaurant, activity, etc they want to do. In my experience a lot of these little considerations fall by the waste side and lead to the bigger ones. We have different tastes and it makes such a difference if I am willing and cheerful about doing something he loves he reciprocates the behavior. The positive outlook has to be there to have and enjoyable time for both of us, and something I have come to realize is no matter the activity, chore, whatever my husband and I will have fun and enjoy being with one another if we have the positive outlook from the start.

Clear View

The two chapters we read in Dr. Gottman’s book were difficult to get through
this week becauseof the emotional response I had. I was previously married
and through the examples of the couplesin conflict I saw a lot of similarities
in how my first marriage was. Although not as extreme in the level of
contempt the example of the couple arguing over washing the car was very
similar to the end of my first marriage.

It got to the point that we were literally roommates that didn’t get along and
avoided each other.We rarely had arguments because I did all I could to avoid
speaking to him and he did the same.There would be weeks were we didn’t
speak at all. Going through the reading and especially the love map section I
came to see that this was our biggest downfall. He had his medical school
identify and I had my work identity and we rarely shared that with one
another. His confident in all was his mom and mine was my sister, instead of
reaching out to each other we sought comfort and understanding elsewhere.

As hard as it was remember what happened in the past it was a very positive
reassurance of howmy second marriage is going. For my husband and I we
truly work daily on our love maps. When we started dating we were two hours
apart and relied heavily on technology and we have kept up the trend of being
in continuous contact throughout the day. We are constantly checking in with
each other, getting excited to see each other for lunch or after work, making
sure that the other is having a good day, and knows that we love and miss
each other.

Since we did this our whole relationship it hasn’t really seemed like a big deal
to me that we do this. Going through the exercises and learning more about the
importance of being involved with each other I realize how much positive work
my husband and I do for each other on a daily basis. We are constantly
 reaffirming our fondness and love for one another. 

Changes to be a Good Samaritan

I can’t get the story of the Good Samaritan out of my head and the insights of H.
Wallace Goddard. In the countless times I have heard or read this story I missed
the significance and charity in which the Savior responded to the Lawyer. I never
realized how many times the Savior drew out of him the knowledge he possessed
and strife to have his goodness come out instead of the deceit the Lawyer was
hoping for. How often has the Savior overlooked my evil nature and tried to draw
out my internal goodness instead.

Knowing the details better of the story has really changed my perception. That
theGood Samaritan was out looking to do good and prepared to help his
fellow men,while the other two happened upon the situation and judge the
person made metake a hard look at myself. I often will see things and make a
snap judgementabout the person/situation and act as if my assessment was fact.
Rarely have Ibeen on the lookout to help my fellow men and even less have I
acted when theopportunity was there.

More baffling for me was to learn of not only the great elevation difference
between Jerusalem and Jericho but the spiritual comparison it has in my
own life.So often I have been so concerned with my own affairs and making
it through thatI wonder how many of my ‘dying’ brothers and sisters have I
seen and past right onby. The Savior has never left me alone and continues to
forget my sins and faults tohelp heal and strengthen me and I have not been
very willing to share of my time tohelp another.

The Visiting Teaching message this month is on Christ’s attribute of charity
and loveand there was a quote in there by President Monson which showed
me a whole newlight on charity and how the Savior showed this to the Lawyer.

“Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting
the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and
shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond
physical appearances toattributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting
the impulse to categorize others.”

After reading this I realize how in this one story the Savior was showing his
grace andgoodness because the words and intent of the Lawyer would have
aroused all of theseemotions in me. I have realized that I do choose to be
offended easily and that I focus onthe weakness instead of trying to see the
goodness and divine worth of the other person.From this quote I have a
guideline on how I will be working on becoming more like Christ
in being charitable to those I come in contact with.

Week 3 - Finding Family

The words of President Benson really resonated with me this week. I was
blessed to be born into the covenant and raised by parents that have stayed
true to the covenants and commandments. Even though I had been taught
my whole life about the gospel one thing that was brought up by President
Benson I had never realized;

“To enter into the order of the Son of God is the equivalent today of 

entering into the fullness of the Melchizedek Priesthood, which fullness 

is only received in the House of the Lord.”

Only in the temple, and through the temple ordinances can a man receive
the fullness of the gospel, and only there can a man and woman make the
covenant that will allow them to achieve the highest degree of glory. It
makes everything we do in there even more significant. All that we by
proxy is to allow others the opportunity to achieve the highest glory in
the Priesthood. When I am in the temple I always think of how I am
allowing someone to have a choice they otherwise wouldn’t have but to
realize that it goes beyond the choice and is allowing them to progress
to the fullness of the Priesthood adds more depth and importance.

I have been lucky to have callings surrounding Family History, and
to gain a testimony of then importance of the work and the blessing it
is. When I was called as the indexing teacher in my singles ward we
had a quote from Elder Scott about the blessings of this work.

“Do you young people want a sure way to eliminate the influence of 
the adversary in your life? Immerse yourself in searching for your 
ancestors, prepare their names for the sacred vicarious ordinances 
available in the temple, and then go to the temple to stand as proxy 
for them to receive the ordinances of baptism and the gift of the 
Holy Ghost.”

This was a tremendous strength to me in my life to know that doing
this work would help protect me from the adversary. The world today
is literally exploding with people wanting to find their genealogy,
people want to know their histories and this for many is a stepping
stone into their divine history. We are witnessing the promise of Elijah
of our hearts turning and the work of the Lord moving forward.

Week 2 - Cultural Shift

The readings this week made me very emotional and at times down right depressing. I was totally taken by surprised when I realized that the article “The Overhauling of Straight America” was written in 1987. While I was reading this article I kept thinking over and over again well that’s already happened. What was suggested and depicted in the article was almost prophetic as 28 years later all of that has happened. Homosexuality is now something that is seen as common, it is portrayed in not only movies but TV shows as well. They are being seen as the victims and to oppose homosexuality is being cast into the light of being old fashion all the way up to being called out as a bigot.

It is a bit overwhelming to think that even in my 30 years there has been a very drastic change in American culture. When I was in high school the only things I really deal with was everyone taking drugs, drinking, and having sex and that was the type of issues that the TV shows I watched were dealing with. For youth now they are hit with all that I had plus issues of gender identity, sexual preference, different family structures, etc. In the 15 years it has been since I was a youth in high school not only has the culture changed but the politics of just school life is now a veritable mine field of political correctness that I never had to worry about.

When I was reading the article by Ryan Anderson I became very empowered and hopeful. He mentions that now is the time to make an argument for marriage between a man and a woman because it is being debated and everyone is aware of it. Like a lot of the students at the universities that he spoke at I have always felt very inadequate to share my views and opinions and being able to be present with logic evidence. I think most people feel this way on both sides of the debates because it is such an emotional topic.