Sunflower Among Daisies

One thing I had always released in my first marriage was that my mother in law and husband were too close. They would have hour long conversations and I couldn’t manage even a fourth of that with my husband. It was something I always struggled with but really couldn’t define and I relied on my sister too heavily as a confidant to compensate. Neither of us identified that we had a communication issue and that we relied on others to bridge the gap we had with each other.

It was very hard for me to be around his family, everything about me was different than how they operated. Even to the bright colors I chose to wear compared to their mostly black attire that the other women in the family wore. Reading through the article “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families" I could see a lot of similarities in my experience.

One of the biggest ones is I never was accepted as part of the family and instead of working with me to fix that my first husband was at first impassive thinking it must all be in my head because of the idea he had on how loving, accepting, and welcoming his family was. Later on he fully entrenched himself in the idea that I was not his family and that his nucleus family was all he considered to be his family. With hind sight clarity I could see warning signs from the first meeting of me with his family and yet I didn’t have the knowledge and tools to assist with that situation.

Thankfully it has been a complete 180 with my current in laws from what I had before. I am able to enjoy a very healthy relationship with them where I feel loved, accepted, and respected. I live 15 minutes away from them and at first this was something I was concerned about. With my past experience I was worried that the proximity would lead to over involvement. With my first marriage this was something that I never had to worry about as we always lived states away from any immediate family members. I enjoy the security and benefits of living so close to parents while still being able to have that independence and couple identity that is needed.

New Opportunities Bring New Understanding

Recently I have been given the opportunity to see the church counsels in a different light. Before this year I had never been in a church presidency and because of that I had never attended a Bishopric counsel. In October I was called to be the Relief Society President and now I have the opportunity to attend Bishopric counsel but to hold my own counsel with my presidency. It truly is amazing to attend and see the benefit of having all those different auxiliaries meeting together. It is a lot of work to keep the church running and to account for all the members and it is not just a good thing but a necessary thing that we have all these counsels.

I can appreciate the power of a presidency and the inspiration that is provided. To say I would be lost without the rest of my presidency is a gross understatement. I have been impressed and surprised repeatedly at not only the goodness and talent of the woman that I work with but their knowledge and insight to the ward members. There are times that I am completely in the dark about a family in the ward that needs help and one of my counselors will let me know. I can’t effectively serve the woman of the church without my counselors and in turn the Bishop can’t lead without the help of all the other auxiliaries.

The amazing blessing of how well organized the church is gives me a lot of comfort and support in my role. I know that I am not alone and having all the responsibility to succeed alone. I have felt it in the council meetings of the love, respect, and responsibility that is shared between us all. One thing that I have come to appreciate the most is how each auxiliaries coordinates to strengthen, enhance, and or support the other ones. We are all working toward the same goal strengthening our ward and the individual families of our ward, and that has become apparent as we all have worked to help support each other’s ideas. 

Hooked By One Look

(The picture above is a finalist in the 2014 Porn Hub ad contest they held. I believe they were trying very hard to normalize pornography and this add seems so simple and harmless until you take a closer look.)

When the readings turned to pornography I found it interesting in the different levels of feelings towards it. I felt like some of the information was taking more of a diplomatic approach and skimming the surface and not facing the true danger of pornography and that kind of bothered me. I specifically didn’t like this line below from the State of the Nation Report:

“These researchers believe that the majority of people who visit online sex sites do so without any harm,…”

The first view is harmful, there is no getting around that fact but many try to state that it isn’t harmful in small doses. It is good that the world in general is having more dialogue around the pornography issue but to me it feels too timid and politically correct. This is a disease ravishing our world and it is not getting the honest attention it needs in order to stop it. Back in the October 2004 Priesthood Session President Gordon B Hinckley said:

“It is like a raging storm, destroying individuals and families, utterly ruining what was once wholesome and beautiful. I speak of pornography in all of its manifestations.”

President Hinckley didn’t say that pornography would be harmless the first time or that this form was ok; it is destructive from the start in any of its forms. There needs to be more studies down that focus on all the impacts pornography has including the physical changes that happen in your brain. Something that has been scary to me is how certain forms of pornography are being seen as acceptable even among church members. I have several friends that see no harm in reading erotic literature and yet condemn men for watching pornography. They fail to realize they are being hypocrites and that the literature is porn.

The devastation is already beginning in families across the nation and with the Porn industries increasing efforts to normalize pornography we will begin to see increasing casualties. More and more people will become desensitized to the negative impact across all areas of a person because of pornography and justify their use.  

Dr. Gottman had some great insights to our dreams and how gridlock situations are a result of those not being met. It reminded me of something that Dr. John Lund said in a talk, he is a dreamer and his wife is very practical. He loves to talk and dream about a cabin in the mountains and at the beginning of their marriage she was afraid he would impulse buy a cabin they couldn’t afford. What it came down to was he enjoyed talking about his dream and he encouraged everyone to not kill their spouse’s dreams. This has always stuck with me and I can see another level of its importance from what Dr. Gottman said.

There is so much of our identity in our dreams and hopes and to have it unceremoniously discarded or discredited feels like an attack on who we are. In all of the scenarios that Dr. Gottman presented I could see how the one side was putting who they were out there. One of the scariest things about marriage to me was having one person have such intimate knowledge of me the good and the bad. There is a lot of opportunity for a spouse to rack their partner over the coals for the failings because of that intimate knowledge. Dr. Goddard said:

            “If I am unhappy with Nancy it is because I do not understand or do not honor the covenants I have made. I do not have charity.”

The las part of not having charity was so impactful on me. I have such a hard time with being charitable with myself and those I come in contact with and through the years I have curbed what I say out loud but the inner dialogue is horrible. I fall into the trap of thinking that my perception is reality and therefore that person is bad because of XY and Z. I realized through the readings it is because I am feeding the natural man inclination and turning away from Christ and seeing others as he sees them.

It is interesting because I don’t see my husband uncharitably but some of his family members I really struggle with. In fact one of our gridlocks is over his family members and it is because of my behavior and unwillingness currently to look beyond my perceptions. My husband is so loving and charitable to everyone, and from my perspective it comes as naturally as breathing to him, and it makes me take a defensive stance that I need to ‘protect’ him from being used and abused by those that I think are not deserving of such charity. This week I have learned a lot about the things that I need to work on and like C.S. Lewis said I have some rats in my cellar that I need to work on.

What is the Worth of My Sacrifice?

Pondering the idea of the quality of my sacrifices or if I truly do make ‘sacrifices’ I was struck by what President Young said of members living the law of consecration. He stated that some did it right while others gave their defective surplus. This made me consider my contributions, and what category I am in based on the contributions/sacrifices I have made.

More often I am closer to the members that gave the defective cow than the greatest that I have. Thinking of contributions to food banks, can food drives, etc that I have done I am usually giving the things that I don’t really enjoy but have on my shelf, that I don’t care if I give away. It becomes more a motivation of clearing my shelfs of unwanted food than it is of sacrificing things I cherish to benefit others.

The other great example was of Abraham and Isaac; both are willing to give up their most cherished things for the Lord simply because he asked it. Made me stop and think would I be willing to do as much for the Lord or my spouse. I really loved how this question was asked in terms of our marriages and this excerpt really brought home the point to me:

“Do we bring our greatest generosity and richest forgiving to our marriages? Do we offer our whole souls and our best efforts as an offering?”

This made me stop and pause because I feel like my husband gets the leftovers; I put a lot of my energy into work, and my callings and my husband gets what remains. The priority according to my actions is everything outside of the home and my relationship with my husband and by the time the weekend comes we are both so drained that we stay in bed and have very lazy around the house days instead of enjoying quality time together and building our relationship.

While our current pattern hasn’t become an issue yet I can see that we are creating a pattern that can turn into feelings of disinterest towards one another down the road. We are not investing our best into each other. Life is only going to become more hectic and busy and if we don’t start making a habit of putting our best efforts into each other now we may find down the road that we had unnecessary hurt and heartache. 

Truth an Enemy...

I found it really interesting in the reading about the ‘truth’ and how we all perceive our views as the only right one. This is something that I have noticed recently that it bothers me when other people don’t see that they are biased from their perception and yet I do it all the time! I think a major part of why it bothers me in other people is because I know that I do it myself and it is something that I want to correct.

Connected with this was another Ah Ha moment from the reading which was, you can only critics if you love the person. This really hit home to me because in my mind I am very critical of people. I go through a whole life history in my head from one look and it is all my perception and imagination, and yet I act as if that was all truth.

 Being on vacation in Rome I especially noticed it, there are a lot of people vying for you attention to buy something or to eat at this restaurant. It tends to be very tedious to be constantly bothered to buy the same thing over and over again and when I first got her I was contemptuous of it all. After meeting up with my parents I learned of the incredible struggle in Rome to get work. There are too many people here and not enough jobs, and the jobs that are available are only given to the Italians. Most of the street vendors are immigrants and after gaining that insight I saw men doing whatever they could to provide for their families.

When I was willing to apply the knowledge I had gained of the true situation here, and saw through my mother’s actions the compassion she had for them I began to act differently. I didn’t go out and buy everything, however, my attitude and actions did. I was much more civil, realizing the amount of stress they are under, and the amount of rejection they receive on a daily basis. I started to try and walk in their shoes and worked on being nicer as I would want to be treated if the roles were reversed. 

Reflection Brings Clarity

I tend to feel like a martyr a lot, over simple dumb things. I’m very selfish with my time and constantly battle that. Even with doing normal chores or favors for my spouse I tend to feel put out and upset over it, and not turn toward him and serving him. In recognizing this as a barrier to me turning to my husband I have made an effort to not only be more aware when I feel this way but to find ways to meet both our needs.

I use to simmer and get upset but I have learned that even though I mind doing that activity if I am appreciated for it I am fine. Every time I do something I don’t want recognition but the times that I do and my husband hasn’t realized what has been done I have let him know. It is not just communication but being honest and open with my feelings that makes the difference. My husband isn’t a mind reader and it is rude to try to withhold to get more attention or forcing him to guess what is wrong.

When I am able to own my expectation and say something like “Honey, look I have vacuumed the rooms, do you want to go with me to see what a difference it has made” it takes away that feeling of silent martyrdom and allows me to share with my husband and for him to take part in the recognition of it. This may seem simple or even silly but for me it is these things that create a huge wedge and lead to stonewalling.

Another thing that both my husband and I are very aware of is making sure that we give ample opportunity to the other to choose the movie, restaurant, activity, etc they want to do. In my experience a lot of these little considerations fall by the waste side and lead to the bigger ones. We have different tastes and it makes such a difference if I am willing and cheerful about doing something he loves he reciprocates the behavior. The positive outlook has to be there to have and enjoyable time for both of us, and something I have come to realize is no matter the activity, chore, whatever my husband and I will have fun and enjoy being with one another if we have the positive outlook from the start.

Clear View

The two chapters we read in Dr. Gottman’s book were difficult to get through
this week becauseof the emotional response I had. I was previously married
and through the examples of the couplesin conflict I saw a lot of similarities
in how my first marriage was. Although not as extreme in the level of
contempt the example of the couple arguing over washing the car was very
similar to the end of my first marriage.

It got to the point that we were literally roommates that didn’t get along and
avoided each other.We rarely had arguments because I did all I could to avoid
speaking to him and he did the same.There would be weeks were we didn’t
speak at all. Going through the reading and especially the love map section I
came to see that this was our biggest downfall. He had his medical school
identify and I had my work identity and we rarely shared that with one
another. His confident in all was his mom and mine was my sister, instead of
reaching out to each other we sought comfort and understanding elsewhere.

As hard as it was remember what happened in the past it was a very positive
reassurance of howmy second marriage is going. For my husband and I we
truly work daily on our love maps. When we started dating we were two hours
apart and relied heavily on technology and we have kept up the trend of being
in continuous contact throughout the day. We are constantly checking in with
each other, getting excited to see each other for lunch or after work, making
sure that the other is having a good day, and knows that we love and miss
each other.

Since we did this our whole relationship it hasn’t really seemed like a big deal
to me that we do this. Going through the exercises and learning more about the
importance of being involved with each other I realize how much positive work
my husband and I do for each other on a daily basis. We are constantly
 reaffirming our fondness and love for one another. 

Changes to be a Good Samaritan

I can’t get the story of the Good Samaritan out of my head and the insights of H.
Wallace Goddard. In the countless times I have heard or read this story I missed
the significance and charity in which the Savior responded to the Lawyer. I never
realized how many times the Savior drew out of him the knowledge he possessed
and strife to have his goodness come out instead of the deceit the Lawyer was
hoping for. How often has the Savior overlooked my evil nature and tried to draw
out my internal goodness instead.

Knowing the details better of the story has really changed my perception. That
theGood Samaritan was out looking to do good and prepared to help his
fellow men,while the other two happened upon the situation and judge the
person made metake a hard look at myself. I often will see things and make a
snap judgementabout the person/situation and act as if my assessment was fact.
Rarely have Ibeen on the lookout to help my fellow men and even less have I
acted when theopportunity was there.

More baffling for me was to learn of not only the great elevation difference
between Jerusalem and Jericho but the spiritual comparison it has in my
own life.So often I have been so concerned with my own affairs and making
it through thatI wonder how many of my ‘dying’ brothers and sisters have I
seen and past right onby. The Savior has never left me alone and continues to
forget my sins and faults tohelp heal and strengthen me and I have not been
very willing to share of my time tohelp another.

The Visiting Teaching message this month is on Christ’s attribute of charity
and loveand there was a quote in there by President Monson which showed
me a whole newlight on charity and how the Savior showed this to the Lawyer.

“Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting
the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and
shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond
physical appearances toattributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting
the impulse to categorize others.”

After reading this I realize how in this one story the Savior was showing his
grace andgoodness because the words and intent of the Lawyer would have
aroused all of theseemotions in me. I have realized that I do choose to be
offended easily and that I focus onthe weakness instead of trying to see the
goodness and divine worth of the other person.From this quote I have a
guideline on how I will be working on becoming more like Christ
in being charitable to those I come in contact with.

Week 3 - Finding Family

The words of President Benson really resonated with me this week. I was
blessed to be born into the covenant and raised by parents that have stayed
true to the covenants and commandments. Even though I had been taught
my whole life about the gospel one thing that was brought up by President
Benson I had never realized;

“To enter into the order of the Son of God is the equivalent today of 

entering into the fullness of the Melchizedek Priesthood, which fullness 

is only received in the House of the Lord.”

Only in the temple, and through the temple ordinances can a man receive
the fullness of the gospel, and only there can a man and woman make the
covenant that will allow them to achieve the highest degree of glory. It
makes everything we do in there even more significant. All that we by
proxy is to allow others the opportunity to achieve the highest glory in
the Priesthood. When I am in the temple I always think of how I am
allowing someone to have a choice they otherwise wouldn’t have but to
realize that it goes beyond the choice and is allowing them to progress
to the fullness of the Priesthood adds more depth and importance.

I have been lucky to have callings surrounding Family History, and
to gain a testimony of then importance of the work and the blessing it
is. When I was called as the indexing teacher in my singles ward we
had a quote from Elder Scott about the blessings of this work.

“Do you young people want a sure way to eliminate the influence of 
the adversary in your life? Immerse yourself in searching for your 
ancestors, prepare their names for the sacred vicarious ordinances 
available in the temple, and then go to the temple to stand as proxy 
for them to receive the ordinances of baptism and the gift of the 
Holy Ghost.”

This was a tremendous strength to me in my life to know that doing
this work would help protect me from the adversary. The world today
is literally exploding with people wanting to find their genealogy,
people want to know their histories and this for many is a stepping
stone into their divine history. We are witnessing the promise of Elijah
of our hearts turning and the work of the Lord moving forward.

Week 2 - Cultural Shift

The readings this week made me very emotional and at times down right depressing. I was totally taken by surprised when I realized that the article “The Overhauling of Straight America” was written in 1987. While I was reading this article I kept thinking over and over again well that’s already happened. What was suggested and depicted in the article was almost prophetic as 28 years later all of that has happened. Homosexuality is now something that is seen as common, it is portrayed in not only movies but TV shows as well. They are being seen as the victims and to oppose homosexuality is being cast into the light of being old fashion all the way up to being called out as a bigot.

It is a bit overwhelming to think that even in my 30 years there has been a very drastic change in American culture. When I was in high school the only things I really deal with was everyone taking drugs, drinking, and having sex and that was the type of issues that the TV shows I watched were dealing with. For youth now they are hit with all that I had plus issues of gender identity, sexual preference, different family structures, etc. In the 15 years it has been since I was a youth in high school not only has the culture changed but the politics of just school life is now a veritable mine field of political correctness that I never had to worry about.

When I was reading the article by Ryan Anderson I became very empowered and hopeful. He mentions that now is the time to make an argument for marriage between a man and a woman because it is being debated and everyone is aware of it. Like a lot of the students at the universities that he spoke at I have always felt very inadequate to share my views and opinions and being able to be present with logic evidence. I think most people feel this way on both sides of the debates because it is such an emotional topic. 

Week 1 - Smoke and Mirrors

During the readings I kept having and impression come to me of how effective Satan’s counterfeit is in the world. He would have us believe that cohabitation is not only a good test run to a marriage but the right thing to do. The appeal to the logical side of doing a test run by living together really does appeal to the natural man, and the idea has really taken hold in the younger generations.

With this idea planted we are stripped of all the benefits and responsibilities of a commitment. How much easier is it to walk away when things get tough when there is no promises made and no legalities to work through. While we are only focusing on the natural man we only see the personal benefits of such a situation and lack of responsibility we have. There truly is a difference in attitude and behavior when you have made a marriage vow. The world is discounting this in favor of the illusion of happiness and freedom.

The findings on cohabitation were very interesting and when you see it in the light of the gospel and what it teaches about relations between a man and a woman it makes total sense. Without that committed foundation of a marriage they don’t prosper. I was thinking about the parable of the man who built on the sand and the man who built on the rock. The sandy foundation will last will the weather is pleasant but the first storm will demolish the foundation.

The world really does teach us that we need to build on that ‘sandy foundation’, it coincides with the mentality of ‘eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die’. If you don’t plant deep roots you can move on when things go south or become mundane and boring. What we don’t see is how this affects us to be this unattached. There is no safe harbor when we are not planting roots in a firm foundation. When we are continually on the emotional move and looking for greener pastures we are never able to achieve our potential, we are too busy with the next big thing to work on ourselves and becoming better people. 

The Beginning

I have blogged on and off for years but this is a new challenge, to blog specifically for a college course. My course is all about marriage and this will be the place where I will give my take on the material and things I have gathered from group discussions. I am excited to try my hand at academic focused blogging!

It seems fitting to share a wedding photo as this is going to be a course dedicated to marriage and I will be applying it to my marriage.